If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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