"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
