Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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