Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
