Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
