I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I love you.
Bad choice
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
