I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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