Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
