Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
