You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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