you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm like, not good at living.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
