i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
