i need an iv and a liver transplant
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
