It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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