I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
