the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
