dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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