today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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