Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
