Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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