I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
