I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm just crazy horny about you
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
