Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
