So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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