I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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