I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
