mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
