is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize