im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Even my vagina gasped.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
