how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
