just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
