I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
