I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
