dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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