Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
