two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
