Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize