his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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