Only a mothe r could love this liver
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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