We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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