I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
