I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
