I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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