Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
