if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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