Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
