what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize