So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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