I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
