I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
