I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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