If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I stole a fireplace last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
