is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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