You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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