mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
