My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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