Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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