fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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