I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
