just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
