someone threw a dead crab at me
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
