last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize